if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
