i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
