everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
