I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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