i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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