I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
