So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
