last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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