I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
