oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
It was confusing and full of hummus
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
