Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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