Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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