i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
there's paper in my vomit.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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