So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
