I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
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