Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
