we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
