how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Randomize
