had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
