Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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