you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
