I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Randomize
