I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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