I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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