it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
