dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
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