I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize
