is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
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