Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
