I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
