so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Randomize
