Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
