Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
