SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
