I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
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