WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
