dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Your penis caused this!
Randomize
