I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
