We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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