Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize