i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
