Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Randomize
