I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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