I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
