Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
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