true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
