It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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