Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
