I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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