I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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