theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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