***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
i am craving dick and cupcakes
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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