Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
