Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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