I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
