You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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