i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
pop tarts are not kleenex
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
