I accidentally burped into my bong.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize